Don’t believe what anyone says: Fortune-telling is big news in Japan. Although Japanese people are liable to deny it, a lot of people (No, I haven’t actually counted how many, but for the sake of this article, let’s say all of them, except those living in the corners), living on the islands of Japan, are superstitious. Deeply. Irrevocably. Profoundly. They’re superstitious.

Without getting into a lengthy description of Japanese religions which would cause me, and you to…drool…and…mumble.. and…lose our marbles basically, here are the elements of truth relating to the state of Japanese religions:

On the tropical island of Japon, the indigineous inhabitants are known to practice 3 main religions. They are:

Buddhism, imported from China in the 1970’s, along with Chinese ‘ramen’ noodles and tea; Shinto, which isn’t actually a religion, but a collective term, meaning ‘new way’ in English, which is used to generally refer to all native Japanese religions, which existed prior to the arrival of Buddhism in the country in 1976, and continue to play a large influence in Japanese culture.
Finally, there is the Insane Japanese Cults Religion, which is used to refer to the many insane Japanese Cults, which periodically erupt, speak briefly about the end of the world, and attempt to make that happen. See Alph or LifeSpace for a cheap thrill.

What this post is about is the interaction of Japanese people, and their Western boyfriends, with the institution of, (for lack of an easier description), the Shinto temple and priest.

During the year the Japanese people, and their Western boyfriends, will make several visits to Buddhist shrines, and Shinto temples. Some also make small donations to Japanese apocalyptic cults. But that is another matter.

The Buddhist & Shinto visits usually consist of trying to get good luck brought down upon you from Buddha, or local Shinto gods. You can do things like throw coins and make wishes, or draw sticks and choose paper fortunes. Many Japanese people like to immerse their Western boyfriends in this observance of traditional Japanese culture, as it is cheaper than a movie.

A girl who I’m sleeping with, recently came to believe that she had fallen upon a streak of bad luck. I know what you’re thinking, but she even told me, “It’s not you; it’s me,” so I think I’m in the clear. Anyway, being a Japanese person, living in an area of Japan which is not in the corner, she quickly hustled herself off to the nearest Shinto shrine to get some details.

The Shinto priest in residence there, Barry, told her (in Japanese of course, but I have translated it after many hours of slaving over the imbedded cultural nuances), “This is a bad year for you.”

He then sold her a cruddy-looking book for ten bucks, which goes into more detail about what bad things will happen to her this year. She tried to tell me about it, but I responded with my culturally-sensitive answer of, “ That stuff Barry sold you is boolshit.”

I’m all about the good vibes. Why should I go on her bad trip?

There’s more: It turns out that there are good and bad years for Japanese girls and boys. They are as follows. For girls:19, 33, and 37 are bad luck years. For boys, 25, 42, and 61 are the dark ages. During these years the unfortunate birthday boys and girls are advised to sit on their hands and do nothing. No big trips; no new Western boyfriends; no fun. Frown lines are encouraged. Deep, deep frown lines down to your knees.

And wait, here’s the kicker – the years before and after your unlucky years are also no good; not as bad as the full-on crapola, but still bad.

My advice to you, Western boyfriend, is that if some Japanese person invites you to a unique fortune-telling escapade, skip the shrine or temple and spring for a movie. Then, you’ll get the good vibes.