You’ve just had the most romantic dinner. You’ve connected on more levels than either of you expected. Without any discussion somehow the two of you silently agree to go back to your apartment. You put on a CD and it turns out it’s by her all-time favorite artist. What a perfect night.

Then you begin to get a familiar bunching and cramping in your intestines. Your eyes begin to water uncontrollably. Your tongue dries up and sticks to the roof of your mouth. But she’s on top of you and it’s too late to say “no.”

It’s every man’s worst nightmare: Gas during sex.

The first thing to do if you find yourself in this unenviable situation is not to panic; easier said than done. It may help you to know that you’re not alone. Doctors say everyone has gas, and in fact the average person produces a whopping one to three pints of gas per day. In most countries people emit gas fourteen times in the course of a day. That said, you’re still buck naked and trying to do the one cheek sneak while she’s singing Lil’ Kim lyrics in your ear.

So, what to do?

Unfortunately, beyond opening a window there ain’t much at your disposal in terms of fixing an immediate personal gas attack. You and your victim will be left to fend for yourselves. If you can, position yourself near a ventilation system or, failing that edge over towards a group of other people. This second option probably won’t be available to you, unless you’re engaged in some sort of group sex activity If you are, then kudos to you!).

The area gastrointestinal specialists like to focus on is prevention. So the next time you meet that special lady make sure you keep the following points in mind to protect yourself from an embarrassing outburst:

No fruits. Fruits are guaranteed eruptive material. The average man, of a height of between five to six feet, will begin long strings of flatulence within one to two minutes of consuming any fruit. Avoid it.

No spicy foods. That veggie burrito may taste delicious but its aftershocks are not worth the fleeting joy it offers your tastebuds.

Lastly, and this may be the hardest rule to follow, no air. Doctors tell us that swallowed air causes gas which forces its way into the large intestine and is released through your rectum. Luckily, doctors are not advising us to stop breathing entirely. Instead they say, if you feel a spot of gas coming on, you should burp.

Burping may not be an attractive option in the middle of an important date. But think of the alternatives: most of us would agree, it’s better to burp than fart. It’s definitely food for thought.