If you’re looking for a safe place for your vacation, look no more. Worried about losing a limb; falling down a flight of stairs; choking on some spicy food? Concerned about jack-knife-toting street urchins; buying low quality weed; mistaken identity?
Who wouldn’t be!

But rest assured, you will fall prey to none of the above, during your luscious vacation on the shimmering islands of Japan.

Why? Well, there is no spicy food; the urchins have been rounded up smartly; weed is verboten so quality is not an issue; and “mistaken identity”? I suspect that’s some kind of personal neurosis. I don’t have time to get into it here. Although, it was…interesting.

You may get a bug up your nose.

It may rain every day you are here.

A sudden massive earthquake may level everything.

But so far so good!

What I’m getting at, dear readers, is this: Japan is the safest country in the world. There are more cops per square person than Mr.Smiths were climbing onto old Neo in Matrix 5: The Matrix (I mean there’s lots). These police officers mainly act to redirect lost tourist and practice their English. They can wrestle you to the ground, but they’re not all pumped up to do it. Like in your home country.

And to my criminal readership out there, basically you can commit any crime in Japan, as long as you don’t steal a bike or an umbrella. They have Special Investigations Divisions for those serious crimes; don’t take a chance you’ll regret. Capital punishment is still legal in Japan, and by committing these offenses you are really fast-tracking yourself for a spot in line for it.
Signs will alert you if there is any possibility of danger. It’s like being in a video game.

You’ll be coming out of a subway car, after getting obliterated on sake on the Marunochi line. In this state you might possibly stick your fingers in the closing doors and have them lopped off! But wait – the watchful minders of the Japanese Rail System have thoughtfully envisioned just such an occurance, and posted colorful pictures of Hello Kitty warning you of just such a potential tragedy. Safe!

A burglar (another tourist), is trying to break into your hotel. Your precious I-Pod machine is at risk! But wait – the Japanese Hotel Builder’s Association of Japanese Builders has foreseen just this! They’ve kindly installed burglar bars on every window. Safe!

Bacteria, from your very own hands, contains Ebola, the newsworthy flesh-eating disease! What if you go to wipe your mouth with your hand after eating? Not an issue, in safety-conscious Japan. Before and after every meal Japanese people, and their honored foreign guests wipe themselves down with “oshibori”, hot hand towels which look like those the airlines used to hand out on flights, before they all went bankrupt. And these Japanese hand towels are different – their bacteria-sensing micro-organisms seek out and destroy those little Ebola spores faster than you can say, “ Is there an English menu?” to your smiling waiter.

Hat tip to KellyMacEasat