60. They’re condescending when they talk to you.

59. They keep sighing deeply when they talk to you, as if they are bored.

58. They refuse to give you their phone number when you ask for it.

57. They refuse to give you their email when you ask for it.

56. They refuse to give you their name when you ask for it.

55. They don’t look at you.

54. They don’t talk to you.

53. They don’t look at you when they’re talking to you.

52. They look through you while they’re talking to someone else.

51. They borrow your newspaper and give it to someone else.

50. They don’t return your calls, faxes, e-mails, postcards, telegrams.

49. They leave your lights on to run up your electric bill.

48. They “forget” to feed your plants while you’re away.

47. They “forget” to flush your toilet after they use it.

46. They “forget” to tell you your girlfriend is serving it up on the side.

45. They tell you there’s something in your hair, and there isn’t.

44. They tell you there’s nothing in your nose, and there is.

43. They say bad things about you behind your back.

42. They egg others on to say bad things about you behind your back.

41. They make “Top 60 Lists” of the best bad things they said behind your back.

40. They post those lists on the Internet; they become a hit.

39. They spit when you walk into the room. They miss the spittoon.

38. They don’t really try to hit the spittoon.

37. They curse under their breath in a language you can’t understand when you walk into the room.

36. They curse under their breath in a language you can understand when you walk into the room.

35. They curse in your face when they see you.

34. They curse and shake their fist in your face when they see you.

33. They enunciate clearly when they curse and shake their fist in your face when they see you.

32. They egg your house. Weekly.

31. They burn an effigy of you.

30. They do unflattering imitations of you when you introduce them to your friends.

29. They post the unflattering imitations of you on YouTube.

28. One of the unflattering imitations is of your laugh; it becomes an Internet hit.

27. They name an embarrassing dance after you.

26. They pay top Korean gamers design a video game to go with it; it becomes an Internet hit.

25. They’ve trained their Dobermans to bite at the sound of your name.

24. They tamper with your mail.

23. They tamper with your phone.

22. They tamper with your laundry.

21. They tamper with your food.

20. They tamper with your car.

19. They tamper with your girlfriend, who’s serving it up on the side.

18. They dump her afterwards, and don’t even call her.

17. They rent billboard space in Times Square and place your photo on it, under the banner “Wanted – For Acne Research.”

16. They create e-mail user accounts under your name and use them to register on anti-government and adult content websites. They bcc Interpol.

15. They’re wearing a wire now when they talk to you

14. They falsely accuse you of a serious crime that could net you years in prison. It is not an interesting crime about which you could write a book about later.

13. They install a live webcam in your bathroom. The angle is unflattering.

12. They install a key stroke logger on your personal computer. It records your bank’s PIN number.

11. They clean out your bank account.

10. They sell your identity to some persons of dubious background.

9. They put a bounty on you.

8. They’re shooting at you.

7. They encourage their friends and family to shoot at you.

6. They encourage your friends and family to shoot at you.

5. They offer a comprehensive, financially-competitive program of gradually phased-in incentives for people of all backgrounds, ages, and shoe-sizes to shoot at you.

4. They design ultra-cheap light-weight easily-concealed noiseless weaponry for shooting at you.

3. They distribute these weapons widely, and free of charge.

2. They throw in free t-shirts with pictures of popular rap artists and porn stars on them as freebies for potential assassins.

1. They’re not smiling when they do any of the above things.