Vowing to “Crush the West,” rambunctiously provocative Russian President Vladimir Putin has upped the ante in an all-new arms race sweepstakes with America and her allies Moldova and Estonia.

Russia will now try to “get as many very big bombs as possible as quickly as possible,” said a visibly glowing Putin, from his office in the Kremlin. Smiling his most in-your-face evil smile, Putin also took time Friday to make another surprise announcement to the world’s press:

He’s getting a mechanical arm.

The arm, designed by Soviet-era whiz kid Valery Perflenko, is capable of crushing vegetables, fruit and some shellfish. American Intelligence agents, speaking anonymously, have expressed alarm that it could also be used to crush a human skull:

“The Soviets, I’m sorry – the Russians, have assured us that President Putin has no intention of crushing a human skull with his new mechanical arm; he’s a respected gourmand in Russia and merely wishes to have his arm amputed and replaced with the mechanical one so he can dice quicker and decrease his prep time in the kitchen.”

Former Soviet KGB agents now living abroad dismissed the American assurance of Putin’s innocuous intentions as “naïve fantasy.” “If Putin has a chance, to crush the American President’s skull, he will take it,” stated retired KGB Admiral Serge Kalakahee, who should know, as he spent years designing similar arms to be used by agents in a plot to invade Alaska in the 1980’s. “If not for Gorbachev, there would be a lot fewer Alaskans wandering about with their heads on their shoulders, than you see walking around today, I can tell you,” Kalakahee stated.

Putin, himself a former KGB officer and judo enthusiast, seemed buoyed by the recent talk of renewed conflict with the West. “In two days, I get my arm. Then we get the bombs, as many big bombs as possible. How could I not be excited?”