There is a familiar image of China which shows billions of Chinese people commuting to work astride the country’s purported number one form of transportation, the bicycle. City planners around the globe will suddenly whip out various forms of this eye-pleasing snapshot, as evidence in support of the argument that “bicycles are good.”

I don’t know what’s going on over in China, although I think I heard recently that China is on its way to catching up with the good ol’ USA as the world’s number one polluter. Something must be wrong with those bikes they’re using.

I live in the fantastic nation of Japan. Like the Chinese folk, the Japanese also have a love affair with the two-wheeler transportation marvel known as the bicycle. Wanting to smooth things over with the locals, upon arrival in Tokyo, I soon found myself purchasing and fastidiously caring for , a bicycle of my own.

My bicycle’s name is “Black Lightening.” “Black Lightening” can do 150mph in 3rd gear. This is frigging fantastic. And highly illegal. Luckily, I have made friends with the top cops on my neighborhood Special Bicycle Investigations Squad. Sometimes I let them ride my bike. They’re impressed.

Bicycle theft here is rampant. Because of the deep festering love for bicycles which is central to Japanese life, most people in good physical condition find themselves unsatisfied with owning only one. This desire for more bicycles has lead directly to the current epidemic of bicycle thefts in and around greater Tokyo. Masked bicycle thieves roam the spotless sidestreets snatching up even the most battered and mangled bicycles, merely to satisfy their wanton craving for more bicycle ownership.

Predictably, this has lead to some bizarre situations. Last week, after donning my black mask, I was tying a heavy dark blue Panasonic bike to my back when I bumped into my next door neighbor, the mysterious yoga instructor, Hiroko. She had “Black Lightening” danging casually from a custom-made bike stealing strap held in her long delicate cat-burglar paw.

Our eyes locked. Red filled my vision. I was incensed! “Black Lightening” was my soul!

Hiroko was the first to break the ice, “I love you,” she said, and my heart did a triple kick boom boom boom.
“But I love your bicycle more.”With that she threw a dart at my feet which exploded in a purple gas.

Then she was gone. And so was “Black Lightening.”

Hot damn, she was good.

Thanks to KellyMacEasat