Long famous for being the zaniest nation on the planet, Japan has recently surprised long-time Asia-watchers by engaging in public activities which in the words of UN head honcho Ban Ki-moon “threaten its Special Zany Nation Status at the UN.”

Standing near the UN snack truck, Ban intoned, “Japan has crossed a dangerous threshold. A line in the sand has been drawn with the recent outrageous statements made by the Japanese Prime Minister. Make no mistake, unless the Japanese leadership takes significant action to alter its current perilous path, the United Nations will be forced to use all options at its disposal to prevent Japan from harming itself, or its neighbors.”

What is Ban Ki-moon drinking recently? It’s like he suddenly turned into Pete Doherty of Babyshambles, mixed with an ample dash of ‘ole George W.

It’s exciting.

If you haven’t heard already what all the hubbub is about, now’s your chance. It boils down to this: For yeeeears, the planet (primarily a country called America), has been giving Japan a free pass on saying and doing zany stuff. And now that pass is at high risk of being revoked.

Why did Japan have such a free pass? you may ask. Because our great forefathers had the forewisdom to see that with all the crud we humans have to put up with just in our daily quest to keep living, we’d need a place to blow off steam; a place to let it all hang out; a place where you could ask a sitting head of state things like, “How tall are you?,” and “What’s your favorite food?” as serious political questions, when your country is in a state of war. No, I’m not talking about America. The place I’m talking about is… Japan!

And who is the sitting Decider of Japan?

His name, is Abe Shinzo. Abe is his family name. Shinzo is his first name. His height is actually classified. Photos of Abe are altered by a staff of heavyset men with little sense of humor, to conceal his correct height. The answer to the favorite food question is well-known: He likes ham sandwiches.

After consuming one too many ham sandwiches, at a special fundraiser for “Ham Sandwich Awareness Day”, Prime Minister Abe announced that he wanted to say some “zany things” to the press.

Eager for anything zany to pass through the Prime Minister’s lips, the stoked press corps assembled, MP3 Recorders and Hi-Def cameras poised at the ready.

Sadly, hopes were crushed, as instead of saying anything pleasurably zany, Abe announced that he denies that the Japanese Imperial Army’s forced sexual enslavement of women in countries Japan occupied during it’s failed attempts to conqueor the world, prior to and during WWII actually occurred. Like other horrors of WWII, such as the Holocaust, Japan’s notorious experience with sex slaves, known as “comfort women”, is well-documented.

Yet to say that people gathered at Abe’s announcement were shocked would be, ah.. ah…, uh, I know – a lie. But, because it was a slow news week, (apart from WWWIII over there in Iraq), some people freaked.

Now, even Ban over there at that UN thingy, is p.o.’ed.

And it is a sad day indeed, for those of us who suddenly see that Japan’s long-enjoyed culture of zaniness is now on the UN chopping block.
Yes, my friends, the terrible truth of the matter is that Japan is now, believe it or not a hair away from taking away North Korea’s coveted “Most Kooky Country”status. Of course, if this happens, North Korea will finally achieve KayJay’s dream of becoming “Most Insane Nation.”

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice weighed in on the issue on her political blog CondiBlog, saying, among other things:

“Japan has, for many decades, enjoyed its Special Zany Nation Status. And this, to the great enjoyment of the world’s humans, has been a good thing. Because of our Special UN Designation, delegates from the UN, and sometimes regular people, have been able to get on a plane, go to Japan, and see some zany things they couldn’t have seen in their home countries.”

And:

“Of course there is the Japanese English, which we have all grown to know and love; there are the unique zany products, such as the delicious Deepresso canned coffee; and who could forget the sex industry, with its dolls, contraptions, and various octopi-related charms.”

And even:

“But Japan has a choice to make; if it wants to make kooky statements, it belongs in the kooky category. Therefore, it is my strong advisement to the Japanese leadership, that if they wish to be kooky, they not choose a slow news week to do it in.”

Ouch.

Hat tip to KellyMacEasat