In the US fight in the global war on terror (GWOT), allies are often found in strange places. Last Monday, Major Paul Rutgers Neilson of the US Airborne casually announced that as of the start of this summer’s recruiting season in August, the Airborne is setting its’ sights on America’s hyperactive teens.

“We’ve often been a dropping off point for hyperactive college kids and twenty-somethings,” said Major Neilson. “It took us Korea and Vietnam to really begin to identify that some of our best fighting men and women had been diagnosed as “hyper,” going back to their high school and junior high school days. Now we’re trying to line up interviews and bull sessions with these fired-up youngsters to get them in line as tomorrow’s next recruits.”

Harley Konick, fifteen, of Seattle, seems a perfect candidate for Major Neilson’s new program. He’s unable to sit still for more than five or ten minutes, loves punk rock “pogo” dancing, and has been asked to leave his geography class eleven times this month for “causing class disruptions.”

“I’d like to fire a gun,” says young Harley. “I want to make things go boom.” Major Neilson says it’s young turks like Harley who will “be leading us into the new modern battles of the twenty-first century.” Go Harley.