The Secret Location

Imagine a place, where fluffy pink and yellow feathered birds coo softly while raw untamed waves crash smartly against hot white sands. A place where luscious single barefoot bronzed Amazonian queens walk baby tigers down the boulevard, looking for somebody to love. A place where secret hand gestures and dance steps define how people think and act.. A place where going topless isn’t a crime; it’s the law. A place so secret “Keep Out” is the national anthem. A tax free place. With no extradition treaties to any country. Ruled by one man, beloved by all the island’s citizens such a place does not exist. If you try to access it, you will be shot. And possibly eaten.

Mugi Island President For Life Mugi Pacco: The Unauthorized Biography

President For Life Mugi Pacco discovered Mugi Island after his single-engine Skyhawk aircraft crashed into the area’s shark-infested waters. Following a bloody contest of wills between Mugi and a school of flesh-eating tiger sharks, Pacco butterfly-swam ashore. Emboldened by his victory, albeit minus two fingers on his right hand, and his trademark baby blue prescription contact lenses, Pacco struck camp,unfortunately chopping two more fingers off his left hand in the process due to his temporary blindness.

In his only published interview, President Pacco told CNN investigative reporter Styles Cradgerock he was born in small “manger” in Havana, Cuba, and later traveled to Tokyo, Japan, where he picked up English as a second language. Not fully accepting the “manger” story, Cradgerock pushed for confirmation, saying, “Now Mr. President, you can’t seriously expect people out there to believe you were born in…a manger…like the Christchild. Is this perhaps, an example of your country’s famous island humor?”

An inquiry into Mr. Cradgerock’s disappearance found President Pacco facing charges of kidnapping, public nudity, illegal downloading, and intent to start a riot. According to trial transcripts, Pacco incited street urchins outside Cradgerock’s Los Angeles home to “eat him once you see that he’s asleep.” Cradgerock disappeared immediately following his interview with Mr. Pacco. Pacco was convicted on all charges relating to his disappearance, in absentia.

Mugi has never married, but has more than 100 “love children.” The children are easygoing but are trained in all popular forms of modern warfare. They are constantly supervised by President Mugi’s fanatically loyal half-brother, the explosive half-wit ArmbandArmband. They speak their own “Presidential lingo,” and can often be seen trading secret handshakes and practicing secret dance steps, known only to the Presidential concubines and offspring. It keeps them busy.

Possibly because of the loss of his two fingers on each hand, Pacco often uses the phrase “triple” as a reply to any question. Residents of Mugi Island have emulated their beloved President in using this expression. Examples can be found by walking into any bar and observing citizens knocking back countless “triples”. President Mugi can also often be heard to utter the country’s official greeting, “Get me a triple.” As is the traditional custom on Mugi Island, visitors, if they are lucky enough to survive, are expected to play host to islanders.